Warning: Contains spoilers and also not a review about the film, 'Isa Pa With Feelings'.

I think last night was the first time I uncontrollably cried in public particularly in a space where I am really not supposed to. I thank the pillows that Cinema Centenario include for every seat in their micro cinema experience allowing for some muffled weeping and a very faint shrieking at the end. I remember even shaking so hard I want to be held in a grizzly lock so hard I couldn't move, so thank you again pillows with clean covers for being a bearable substitute.

There's a scene where Carlo Aquino confronted Maine Mendoza why she hangs out with a Deaf dude along the non-verbatim lines of, "Kaya mo ako sinasamahan kasi ako ang andito at malungkot ka lang!". Maine, with every intent and compassion she could muster admitted and rebutted, "Oo ikaw iyong andiyan. At oo malungkot ako. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun' hindi na totoo ang nararamdaman ko sa iyo!" Pretty basic romantic struggle to be honest but since the very start, I was framing someone I used to be with in Maine because of the same molded from the gods lips and those damn non-fake eyelashes that my ex was always so proud about. There's even a part in the movie where Maine was flexing its non-fakeness too! This is the part where the film became personal to me. I did not stop suspending my disbelief, my disbelief and immersion transcended to my reality.

That confrontation scene really hit me so hard because for the longest time I've always felt what Carlo felt with both of us coming from a position of insecurity with him being a Deaf person and me for being a fat-ass loser. And what Maine said about the sadness and need doesn't invalidate the love, I've heard those too. I've heard it more than enough and it kept me afloat over half a decade and built life plans using those words as foundation. Except of course the scene resonated to me not as a reminder of her words. The film was more of a longingness for not having what came after. Maine was true to her words and she fought for Carlo with conviction. And I guess.. it wasn't like that with her or she wasn't there anymore. And sometimes I think if she was ever. Because the moment she wasn't sad and alone after having new circles and a lover, I'm left with all the words unanswered and the feeling of being deleted like nothing really happened between us now that I have no role to fulfill in her life, not even that bestfriend she called for five years.

It didn't help that metaphorically, the relationship problems between a Deaf and a Hearing was like our long distance setup. Like when I needed to shout, I couldn't. When I needed to be heard I was only seen. And yes, I'm talking literally about the word bubbles that are perpetually floating until they get burried by thousand different other bubbles into oblivion.

For what it's worth, I've made peace with her decision and genuinely wishing her the best. I never wanted to be the answer to her sadness. I am not the answer. Just like she isn't for my issues and problems. But I wanted to be chosen for who I am or at least.. just be chosen. Not because I'm some filler to a void because there's no one else. I realized I've moved on from her choice but I haven't really moved on from the pain. And it overflowed out of me through the masterful presentation of 'Isa pa with feelings' because Maine was everything I wanted her to be, fighting for me, for us. I guess that's what I get for wanting an Arci Muñoz when I'm a Carlo Aquino (Char!).


The film ended and since it is a talkback, Director Prime Cruz along with the majority of the main crew went in front to entertain some questions. For a cinema that mainly wanted to shed light to a love between Deaf and Hearing, one of its strength lies in the film scoring. I never really knew what to ask on these events but being a huge consumer of films, I've always wanted to get a glimpse of the works behind, so I was the first to volunteer and ask,

"First of all congratulations po napakaganda po ng pelikula at dahil napaka-personal sa akin ng tema, hindi ko napigilan humagulgol kaya pasensya na sa mga naabala ko," I started and someone from behind just shouted 'Okay lang yan'. I then continued with, "Kung pwede po sana makahingi ng insight sa proseso. Dahil nga sa tema ng pelikulang to' na tungkol sa mga bingi ay napaka-importante ng tunog at film scoring.." I continued to inquire about their creative process, whether or not they have scenes that we're defined by the background sound or all of em' were made first and the sound come after like the usual. Everyone pretty much chipped-in and what I realized is, gone were the days were there is a director who micromanages everything because basically every proponent there had some sort of decision in the film every step of the way—at least in their group's case.

Basically, it became clearer that the process is very dynamic and collaborative. And I really find that reassuring. Why? Because someone said no great work was born from a democratic process of waiting for everyone's mind but only from a singular great mind of a genius. And it sticked on me for such a significant time but I'm only now starting to hate that notion, because of how we glorify great people, how we mystify their skills, and attributing it to some heaven sent where in fact these people put in a lot of effort. And if we talk about hardwork, no hardwork is impossible when people help each other out.

Most movie talkbacks I've been to, people usually ask about the plot. Like they want some dumb-down explanation and I'm not a fan of that and I'm not even trying to gatekeep. My friend Julius who was with me shared that he attended a talkback with 'Respeto' and it basically centered on the plot too and considering how political 'Respeto' is, then it became a political discussion. I would not enjoy that too. But this experience is very different because Centenario is a tight-knit space of 30 something and since I've opened something about technical aspects of the film and the crew's answer has shown a glimpse of their working dynamics considering they already worked in various projects with the very same team, every other question that followed was in that vein.

There was a particular question about character development regarding Maine's which was pointed out as a weakness of the film, which I too agree. But when Prime Cruz shared that they thought about and filmed something for it but decided to omit it, it dawned on me how imperfections in mainstream film is a byproduct of the commercial dogma, and that's okay.

In the same thought above, someone asked about the kind of limtations with a production company such as Black Sheep and ABS-CBN and there is a certain emphasis that on top of everything, you have to know your objective in making a film. Like for instance, 'Isa pa with feelings' is an art film for Black Sheep but Black Sheep obviously produces something that can be shown to public cinema, is profit oriented, and obviously has a wider target audience. It is refreshing to hear that even on small house productions, inevitably, there will be encroachment to your craft as pointed out, and again that's okay. It marked on me what Kookai Labayen one of the screenplay writers said about there is no really any kind of encroachment that has the goal to make your film less so it's up to you, as creators, how you would process it.

My favorite part was when Nestor Abrogena, the production designer, shared so many insights in creating the world of the film. And I'm going to be honest when I say, I have literally zero clue and interest in thinking and knowing about the ropes of it until Nestor shared so many insightful things. There is a certain finesse with how he takes pride on the spaces he creates and how important it is to collaborate with the cinematographer. It's like saying "Okay, you frame the space but I own that space." There's a fruitful back-to-back with Nestor and Tay Clamor, the cinematographer, that for every set design there is a framing idea introduced. I was deeply fascinated with Tay's idea of shapes when she framed the two characters, like Maine is Circle and Carlo is triangle; deeply fascinated that I have no fucking clue what she's talking about. This made me realize about something I will point out next.

To me the defining moment of the night is when I asked the writers questions on their process. I asked them whether the dilemma of 'being chosen by a person from a position in need was something that came from the very start' and it sort-of governed everything else or, did it appear along the way? And it goes back to the main goal when they pitched it in the very first place; they want to make a film about the love between a hearing and a Deaf person when Prime and Jen Chuansu (also one of the screenplay writers) saw Deaf couples in Trinoma. Ultimately it did came along the way but right after the objective was made which defined the romantic dilemma which permeated the script.

This is defining to me because I've been dreaming to be part of anything that has to do with cinema since I fell in love with it. And my ambitious self obviously aspired to be the curator on top, the Director. Usually when I am presented in front of great people in a field I aspire to be part of, I feel so small that I get disheartened horribly because I'll never be as good as these talented people. That I just don't have it in me. But last night, I didn't feel that at all. What I felt was.. I would never be a director ever in this forseeable lifetime. So I'm totally quitting on that goal (HAHAHAHA!). And that is not because I got so crushed last night, in fact I got so inspired and enlightened. At my very core, my entire desire and personna is really in being an instrument of change through stories. I really just wanna share stories until the day I die. And it may be right that film is one avenue to give that, but it became clear to me after this learning experience that I'll never have an eye of a director even if I work my ass off to learn the technicals. But I know, I am a storyteller. And even though my writing sucks, exhibit A: I started this piece about my pain and now I'm fanboying and oversharing some film technicalities that even I has nothing to impart and write about because I don't know shit. But I know, I can feel it, that the best way I can effect change through my stories, is to learn how to write Screenplay.

So even though 'Isa pa with Feelings' attacked my feelings last night. And as someone who has so many interests with very high level of passion in each of them, at least I figured something out. Being Jack-of-all-Trades is not cool if you're not gonna make it in any of them. I know in my heart I still wanna do all of them but for now I really wanna write Screenplay. Here goes nothing and the great beyond of reinventing myself. :)