“I’ve changed, you’ve changed. It’s not the same. Tell me what’s the difference if we go back to normal again?”
This is my favorite line, to a favorite song, from a favorite band called Phoenix. Second to None, they call it. The title, however patronizing it may sound, states that the idea to not get involved on the person he wanted to forget, in priority, was second to none.
Who broke up? Whose fault was it? What’s the reason for the breakup? When will you try to fix it? Why did you let her go?
If I had a morsel of cheese for every time I heard these questions, I’d probably be high on milk right now, and consequently shitting my guts in the nearest bathroom until the city meets the sea. Oh, did I mention I lack that enzyme to digest any products that has milk and any forms of milk in it. Funny thing is I got diagnosed as lactose intolerant two weeks after the breakup. Fuckin’ enzyme! Sneaky bastard sneaked out on me the way she sneaked out on me.
Silly, but no! Nobody sneaked out on anybody. Nobody broke up with anybody. Everyone is at fault. But why would you even ponder whose fault was it in the first place? Ask me and I’ll definitely blame myself. Ask her and she probably will do the same thing to herself. This wasn’t an issue of two people failing to recognize every moss and cobweb of the relationship. We knew. Heck, we even hurt each other by rubbing it into our faces on every waking moment of our lives.
So you proceed to ask what the reason really was. Was that it? Puncturing wounds of resentment? Maybe, but not entirely. And I don’t have the intention and most certainly the time to write a long ass novel if I try to answer that question. Not because it would take that long of a prose to state how things went as you were flabbergasted the first time you heard we broke up, but it would take that long of a prose to help you see how cynical you were when you told me that searing three-word liner, “Magbabalikan din kayo.”
So am I trying to say that I am completely debunking the idea that indeed we might get back together? Of course not. Nothing is absolute in this world. Even hypocrites. If I say we won’t ever get back together, and for some reason we did, I just became world’s greatest phony. If I say I will try to win her back someday, I am also that flamboyant mofo who loathed hearing that three-word liner. Seems like an inescapable cycle of hypocrisy isn’t it? But like I said, nothing is absolute. Even hypocrites. So, I’ll just leave it to one of E-head’s legendary single, ‘Ewan’. “Ewan eh!” But you have to know that I am not a believer of destiny. Or destiny is the bridge we make to reach our goals. Right now if you ask me what I want, at least I’m decisive enough to say that the single life is a different kind of awesome. And today, I really want to keep it that way.
“Ang immature mo kasi!” My tita told me in cold bold words when she heard we broke-up. They were close together. In fact, most of my family members knew her on some level. My Mom have 12 brothers and sisters. My Dad had 8. They all probably knew her. Imagine how many cousins I have that probably got to interact with her. One even said, “Ano ba kasi ginawa mo?” One time they were at Quezon City for lunch and they asked me why I didn’t invite her. LOL. It’s funny how I am like an enemy of the state when it comes to this breakup. I guess people are right that when everything is wounded, your family is the sourest lime to add insult to injury.
My Mom was the different brand though. Of course she loved her and truly wanted her to be part of us. But when she heard it, it was nothing. It was as if she had already expected it to happen. I may never had open up to her about anything at all, but I know she knew. Those cries and heated arguments. I know she heard one of those. She gave me the profound feeling that I can still get back on my feet even at the brink of losing everything.
This proved that when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade. So I Did! I gathered all the strength to face the fears of losing everything I am comfortable with. Then I turned this sudden position of weakness to a poisition of confidence towards achieving everything that I want to be. So when I answer that last question of why I let her go, I can bluntly say that I did it for them- for the family that I needed to redeem myself from. Bullshit. I am not the main protagonist of Breaking Bad, so it won’t take me five seasons to say this. For my family, yes, to some extent maybe. But at the end day I did it mostly because I did it for myself.
We were second hand smokers to each other, in the same way that people around us got the less harmful sweet nicotine picture of our great love, while the two of us suffer from the limitations of our humanity. So the next time I stumble upon you and you say to my face that three letter word, “Magbabalikan rin kayo”. I welcome you with another three-word line, “I Love You” and add, “Also please read my blog, http://adiaryofasinner.blogspot.com/”
Six sticks of Winston extreme mint to write something about the six years of my life with her. We might have let go for different reasons, but certainly we both did. It might have ended. But that doesn’t make our love for each other untrue. I’ll certainly miss everything about her. All the talks. All the laughs. The hugs. The kisses. The fights. The breakdowns. The let downs. It was pure, yet imperfect. A perfect love is fake love. After all, perfection is the antithesis to authenticity. When I outgrew all the hate and regrets someday, all that will ever remain is the gratitude that I feel for her. She was a great person. And I am forever thankful for having spent a part of my life with her.
As I look at the rays of sun cleverly visiting the depths of my room as it intermingles beautifully with the smoke of my cigarette I realized, “Hey, this time no second-hand smokers!” Smoke life’s delicious nicotine without hurting the people around you.
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