Binuksan ko ang computer at sinimulan ko nang isulat 'to pagkatapos na pagkatapos kong panoorin ang pelikula. Hindi pa ako nagbabasa. Ugali ko pa namang magbasa-basa sa mga pelikulang napapanood ko nang agaran. Sa una, wala akong aalamin, kahit pa tungkol saan o sisiliping trailer kung may papanoorin ako. Pero para akong batang nakawala sa hawla pag tapos na. Todo-basa. Kaya siguro madalang na ako magsulat kasi napapasarap ako sa pagbabasa. Naroon siguro ang malaking inferiority complex sa tuwing nagagalingan ako sa nababasa na para saan pa at susulat ako. Tatlong taon na ang huli kong sulat. Ironic, 'no? Kung kailan nagbabasa do'n ako walang maisulat. Pero ngayong gabi, susulat ako.

Maraming pagkakataon na sinaniban naman ako ng inspirasyong magsulat sa tatlong taong 'yon pero di ko rin naman nagawa o di ko na tinapos. Bakit? Ano'ng mayroon sa tatlong taon? COVID, ano pa ba? 'Yon naman talaga ang puno't dulo ng lahat. Pero 'yon nga ba? Parang sa pelikula lang. Iyon ang setting at timeline pero hindi naman talaga tungkol 'don.

Si Direk Dwein (Dwein Baltazar) lang ata ang bubuhay muli sa mga daliri ko. Di naman sa sinasabi kong henyo siya, pero para sa 'kin, oo, henyo siya. Di rin naman dahil walang ganap sa buhay ko nitong nakaraang tatlong taon, kung tutuusin ang dami ngang nangyari e. Pero bakit nga ba ako susulat?

Siguro hinding-hindi ko mauunawaan ang lente ng bawat tao. Pero alam ko, sa magkakaibang mga buhay na mayroon tayo, lahat tayo may pangarap. Anumang uri 'yan. Ano man ang moralidad niyan. Gaano man kalaki o kasimple. Lahat mayroon. Ako siguro pareho kami ng pangarap ni Alvin (Carlo Aquino). Napapatango na lang ako noong sinabi niyang, "Napakasimple lang (pangarap niya), pero sa totoo napakahirap makamit." Di eksakto niyang sinabi 'yan kasi di na gano'n kalakas ang memorya ko at di ako nag-notes kanina. Basta parang gano'n ang pakiramdam. Pero susulat ako hindi dahil sa pinaka-pangarap ko. Susulat ako para doon sa tinatawag kong "professional pangarap" ko. At kung may follow-up questions sa aking pinaka-pangarap na pangarap din ni Alvin, aba, manood na lang kayo.

Ano ba ang professional na pangarap ko. Hanep! Sige diretsuhin na natin, parang 'yong pelikula. Di na panahon para magpatumpik-tumpik ngayon (kahit nagpatumpik-tumpik ako four paragraphs ago). Di afford ng isang third world country tulad ng Pilipinas na maging "subtle" pa. "Subtle", nakakatawang salita. Parang 'yong pelikula. Kahit ano namang lovestory diyan na tungkol sa mga Pilipinong middle class o mahirap, third world romance 'yon e. Pero itong pelikula inako niya. Ito ang buong identidad niya. Na parang, "It's me, hoy, I'm Third World Romance, it's me."

So heto ang pangarap ko, isang Pilipinas na may malusog na Film/TV scene na di lang para sa mga intelektwal, akademiko, at mga niche fans. Sana para sa lahat. Ibig kong sabihin sa malusog, 'yong masustansiya, nourishing kumbaga, di lang "art house art house" na "art for art's sake", may laman at dulot, pero dapat may reach din, 'yong iaangat sana ang kamalayan ng lipunan. At di lang yong "very vague na Film/TV revolution eme". Gusto ko parang Korea, pero higit pa, tipong popondohan ng Pilipinas nang matindi ang paglikha na 'to. But wait, there's more! Baka pwede namang isama din ang DepEd at CHED para may legit na audience na agad tayo. Mga audience na kailangang palawakin ng mga pelikulang ito ang mga mundo nila upang mangarap rin sila. Baka ang ilan sa kanila gusto jumoin sa pangarap ko, di ba? At finally, baka pwede ding LGU involved. Isipin mo 'yong buong bansa may pagkakataong magkwento. Napakaraming talent ang natutulog sa kahirapan, promise! Paano mo ba papangarapin ang isang bagay na di mo alam?

Wow! Shet! Deep! Grand! Medyo oversimplification! Ang pretentious! Sabi ni Anxiety sa utak ko. Pero 'yon talaga e. 'Yon ang professional na pangarap ko. Kung maging bahagi man ako nito gusto kong hubugin kung ano ang mainstream, 'yong pinapanood ng madla. Kung tagapagmasid naman, labis labis pa rin ang kaluguran sa puso ko kung mangyari ito. Kasi at the end of the day, ang tunay ko namang pangarap gaya no'ng kay Alvin.

Kaya heto, sumusulat ako kasi gusto kong ipagsigawan sa mundo na may pelikula po na gusto ko makita nang napakaraming tao. Na baka sa very masterful shots ni Kara Moreno sa buhay at espasyo sa isang napakalaking sektor ng lipunan natin, doon pa tayo madalas iiwas ng tingin. Na baka sa sobrang pang-tenement na panunulat na may kaunting Dota lingo nina Dwein at Jeko (Jericho Aguado) na nararamdaman ko 'yong tuwa, 'yong galit, 'yong kultura, at higit sa lahat, 'yong paghihirap ng mga karakter. At baka sa pag-arte, lalong-lalo na kay Britney (Charlie Dizon) at sa chemistry niya kay Carlo Aquino. Ito paborito ko, na baka sa mga makukulit nilang rom-com tropes, o bilang subtitle translator, ang pinakamalapit ko nang salin ay "paandar," pero 'yong mga paandar na "pang-walang-wala version". Kung may "Ligawan sa Azotea" si Rizal, sina Alvin at Britney may "Harutan sa Bubong". Kung may "Pasilyo Tungo sa Altar ng Simbahan" si Sunkissed Lola, sina Alvin at Britney may "Pasilyo Tungo sa Altar ng Samgyupan". Ilan lang 'yan, 'yong mas kwela di ko na papasadahan.

Baka sa lahat ng nabanggit ko, may katulad ko na kikiligin din. Na mawawala at makaka-relate rin sa mundong pinakita nila, na mundong nariyan lang, nag-eexist. Na may makaramdam din ng pag-ibig sa mga mata nila, kasi naman, love is everywhere talaga. Pero higit sa lahat, may katulad ko rin na magagalit sa bawat piraso ng inhustisya at di makataong pang-aabuso (magbayad kayo ng OT) at siyempre mga "subtle" na pang-aabuso rin ("Tuy, timplahan mo nga ako ng kape"). Sino ba sa atin ang di nakaranas ng trabahong wala sa job description?

Kaya rin naman magpatawa ng pelikulang 'to gaya ng mga pelikula ni Vice e, pero sa Third World Romance kaya niyang itahi 'yong tawa kasi nakakatawa rin minsan 'yong bayan natin. 'Yong mga kalagayan natin, nakakatawa. Kaya mismong pananalita nating mga Pinoy para bang pinagtatawanan natin ang sarili. Lahat ng tawa ko sa pelikula, mga alaala kong pinagtatawanan ang sarili kong kahirapan e. Ang kaso, baka di raw pampamilya ang humor. Baka masyadong kanal o beki. Baka di nakakatuwa 'yong "subtle" na pagkain-kain ni Lady Morgana sa sofa.

Kaya rin magpakilig nito tulad ng kwento ni Olivia Lamasan sa Milan. Tungkol din 'yon sa pagkayod ni Claudine Barreto na raketera sa Italy. Pero sa Third World Romance may panawagan at habilin ito ng gagawin natin. Na kailangan sagot natin ang isa't isa. Na pag pare-pareho tayong tinatabla ng gagong amo, lahat dapat tayo ang lalaban. Lalo na kung nasa katuwiran naman tayo. Mas lalo na pag di ikaw ang apektado at iisang mundo tayo ng ginagalawan. Ang kaso nga lang si Charlie kung magmura ang talas, si Claudine di magmumura sa palabas 'yan, sa personal lang at saka minsan pag nadudulas. Problema raw kasi na hindi angkop sa "ideation" ng dalagang Pilipinang mahirap si Britney.

Huli na kaya? Ito 'yong mga panahong sana may clout na lang ako. Pucha sira-sira na yong code nitong blog ko, may image is missing error sa frontpage, grabe. Pag nag-re-brand ba ako tonight maihahabol ko pa kaya? Miyerkules na maya-maya, kadalasan pinapalitan ang pelikula sa panahong 'to. Kung si Cathy Garcia-Molina ba 'to, tapos Kathniel ang bida, tapos may endorsement galamay ni Mother Lily at lahat nang paandar ng industriya. Papatok kaya? Siguro.

Kung mas marami kasing manonood, mas marami ang naaabot. Dati kinikilig lang tapos matutuwa tayo sa dulo pag nalampasan na 'yong pangunahing conflict sa kuwento, na madalas 'yon ang tinatawag nating "reality" ek-ek ng palabas. Pero kinilig na ba tayo and at the same time nakaramdam na 'yong "reality", ay "reality" na maitatawid natin mula sa personal patungo sa kamalayan natin sa lipunang ginagalawan natin? Madalas kasi, 'yong "reality" na 'yon naiiwan sa personal na lang. Na para bang ang pag-ibig ay bakasyon lamang at uuwi rin tayong lahat sa realidad. Sa Third World Romance, akong manonood ang niroromansa ng reality. At kinikilig ako both literally at figuratively. Figuratively, kasi nakakilig na nasusulyapan ko ang lipunan at napapag-usapan ang mga isyung dapat pag-usapan.  Literally, kasi kahit maasim ang timpla ng mundo nila, matamis pa rin 'yong pag-iibigan nila at nagdudulot ito ng asim kilig. 

Madalas 'yong mga trip natin gusto natin i-gatekeep para tayo lang ang may alam. Masyado kasi tayong obsessed maging "cool". Pero minsan sa loob-loob mo gusto mo na lang sumikat 'yong gusto mong sumikat kasi di naman para sa 'yo lang 'yong gawa. Na para bang ikaw, 'yong taste mo ang sangkalan dapat ng lipunan. Medyo narcissistic a. Pero again, hindi nga ito para sa akin lang.

Paano nga ba babaguhin ang mundo gamit ang cinema, kung ang cinemang gagawin mo ang ayaw nila ipanood sa 'yo?

Isang palaisipan. Pero tiyak ko, kung mayroon mang paraan para gisingin ang lipunan. Isa siguro doon, dapat parang kusa nilang natagpuan 'to base sa mga paniniwala nila. Ibang-iba kapag nagpapaliwanag ka lang kumpara sa nakikita mo na mismo at ikaw mismo ang nakakarating sa sarili mong konklusyon.

Naalala ko tuloy ang kwentuhan namin ng tatay ko no'ng minsang nagising siya kasi di makatulog. Hirap raw siyang huminga sa kama kaya uupo siya sa tumba-tumba niya. Sa haba ng kwentuhan inabot kami ng alas-tres ng umaga. Matanda na at marami ng sakit ang tatay ko no'n. Kaya para bang marami rin siyang pinagsisisihan sa buhay. Kinukwento niya sa akin ang buhay niya bilang manggagawa nang higit sa dalawang dekada, Mind you, OFW sa Saudi pa. Na siya raw ang pasimuno ng overtime sa pabrika nila. At ako pinapaliwanag ko naman ang halaga ng tulad niya at bakit di dapat maliit ang tingin niya sa sarili. Siya lang naman ang Hari ng Overtime, di ba? Kasi sa lebel ng buhay na inalay niya, na nagkaroon na siya ng maraming sakit pagtanda, sino ba naman ang makakapagsabi na dapat 'yong may pinag-aralang doktor higit na higit na mas mainam ang buhay kaysa sa kaniya. Bakit, di ba importante din naman ang mga taga-gawa ng baterya sa lipunan? Kung di lang sana abusado ang employer niya at binigyan man lang siya ng disenteng retirement plan, healthcare plan, at sahod na di lang para mabuhay, kundi para "mabuhay talaga," edi siguro hindi niya inubos sa mga instant millionaire pyramid scheme ang mga perang naitabi niya nang magretiro.

Tatay ko 'yon, siyempre makikinig 'yon sa akin. E 'yong pagkukuda ko ba may paki ang maraming tao? Depende, gusto ka ba nila o hindi? May platform ka ba o wala? Ikaw ba si Kathryn o si Charlie? Ngayon, ikumpara mo sa isang pelikula. Isipin mo 'yong manonood dala-dala niyan ang mundong ginagalawan niya sa sinehan. Tapos, 'yong mundong 'yon may mga karanasan do'n, sa 'yo man o sa iba, na para bang naihahambing mo sa karanasan ng mga karakter sa pelikula. Di ba iba 'yon.? Ibang-iba. Sabi sa 'yo nakakatawang salita ang "subtle." Kasi sa paraang ang pelikula ang nagkukuwento at ang manonood naman ang bahalang mag-isip, 'yong tatlong tanong sa unahan, nalalaktawan mo na sila. 'Yong pelikula ang magbibigay ng katanungan, 'yong karakter ang magbibigay ng karanasan, 'yong manonood ang bahalang magisip. Subtle di ba?

Ibabalik ko 'yong tanong ko ukol kay Cathy Garcia-Molina, na Sampana na nga pala ngayon, Kathniel at Mother Lily. Sgiruo nga papatok. Pero tingin ko ba parehong obra ang kalalabasan? Hindi. Parang itlog at manok lang 'yan. Di natin alam sa'n ang simula. Sikat ba sa madla kasi 'yon ang bebenta sa kanila o pinagkakakitaan nila ang sikat sa madla? Gustuhin ko man ang mainstream success ng pelikula dala ng mga pangalang ito para one step closer ako sa pangarap ko. Mas gusto ko pa rin ang pelikula sa kaniyang truest at orihinal na form. Kasi 'yon ang mayroon tayo. 'Yon ang totoo. At ang tanging dasal ko ay ang mapanood ito ng mga tao.

Kaya Dwein, salamat sa oda mo sa mga walang-wala. Sa mga katulad ni Britney na umiiyak na pero kailang ubusin ang cup noodles. Sa Nanay niyang di makauwi-uwi ng bansa. Pinaiyak mo ko do'n sa eksena sa hapag at ng sabihin ni Gardo na "Okay na, areglado na." 'Yong lugod sa puso ko doon ang daming layers. Di ba? Buhay pa naman talaga kung tutuusin 'yong taos-pusong pagtutulungan, lalo na ng mahirap sa kapwa mahirap. Kung may pera lang ako, uubusin ko ang pera ko para ipanood ito sa lahat ng bagger at cashier sa Pilipinas. Sa lahat ng manggagawa na walang sawang inaabuso ng mga employer nila, pero natatakot lumaban. Kasi kung magparinig ang employer, akala mo ayuda nila sa mundo ang trabahong pinagkaloob raw nila samantalang yumayaman naman sila dito. Di naman nga talaga review 'to sa pelikula mo. Kung tutuusin manipestasyon 'to ng mga pangarap ko, ng aking mga Third World Dreams. Wala naman nagbabasa kaya marahil ang odang ito, ay para sa 'yo talaga at sa lahat ng naghirap sa pelikula n'yo. Salamat at napasulat niyo muli ako. Dito ko pa naman nararamdamang buhay na buhay ako.

 Lost Ark Beta - World Last Hildebrandt Palace (Paladin POV)

Have you ever dreamed of a face so vivid yet you haven't seen that face ever before?

It started on the airplane. Which is somewhat a cruise ship because people we're just walking all over the place with a food cart like we have them on malls. I was staring at this particular face and she was staring back at me. It was really quite uncomfortable for me though and I guess that's because there's a hint of insecurity within me and she was more than average pretty.

Describing a person physically is one of the many challenges I have in writing. But let me try for the guy doing the police sketches. She looks young, maybe like a twenty-two year old. I don't know how to explain it. Her body frame is really small. What am I even thinking though? Did I think that when she turns 23, 24,25 she'll suddenly grow larger physically? And we're not talking getting fat here, I'm talking about the specific bone frame and I guess the word for that is petite, (haha) right? She's 5' 2" by the looks of it. And she looks young, twenty-two year old young who just finished college (it may not be the case for the age now given the Senior High School situation). She's fair-skinned, the type where red lipsticks work really well in her favor. And she's wearing one and a bit of the other stuff which I have no idea what to call them but it makes her pale skin looks more alive and her small eyes more accentuated. She has shoulder-length hair, very vanilla; straight, black, thick, walang-tikwas.

If we use archetypes, she's your standard rejoice commercial model. And to some degree the archetype I'm not particularly fond of, which is funny because I don't think I really have a type. This dream somewhat alludes to a person who is physically attractive and obviously swooned over, but really is not my go-to. For instance, I don't see her ears anywhere because they are tucked inside her thick hair and I'm recently finding out because of this that I like big ears that peep outside the hair from watching all those shows with elves in them. Having a fair-skin, she's your classic koreana craze look with soft features and when you look at here it feels like you are soothed by that particular Endless Love piano piece that plays in the background and all you can think of is cancer, and dying.. and maybe a little bit about undying love. But upon introspection, I'm more of a resting bitch-face Aubrey Plaza kind of person. However, she indeed has this koreana look, but a very distinct Pinay touch. Think of Catriona Gray who's the mestiza archetype but she certainly does not have soft features as every time you glimpse at her there's a certain force laid down upon you and it's overbearing sometimes. That kind of Pinay touch. To declutter all these thoughts and in hopes to simplify them, this girl looks like a Korean chic in a very petite frame but Catriona-esque that has an 'I have arrived in-your-face as you stare at me' vibe.

It's a lot of work to describe her physically but it's easier to describe her how she is.. or at least how the entire cruise-like airplane feels about her. Dreams never make sense and it's funny how this plane is in a giant food-court buffet where people gather in the middle to eat standing like we're in a ball-room. And that was emphasized by the fact that we're all in tuxedos and night-gowns. I'm not sure if how information about her came to me, I just remember eating and people sort of come my way to say things about her or gossip in a loud manner where I eavesdrop on them unintentionally. They're all unanimous and repetitive. She's a single mom. She sleeps with various men for money and power. She's ambitious for a woman and talks where she doesn't belong. And, she's bat shit crazy, which is the most prolific rumor because it comes in different examples. The kind where there was a story involving a chainsaw, a missing limb, toothless mother-in-law, and creepy tapestry (Midsommar?).

Since dreams also kind of mock you for things you don't want to happen but will happen, it didn't take a while for the dream to materialize all the rumor-mongering. Glasses shattered momentarily. Shouting came after. Curses we're said. I cannot remember verbatim. To describe it, a waiter apparently messed up and bump into her way and now her gown is covered in wine. Then after very briefly, a flurry of insults which is masterfully crafted like yo girl's on a FlipTop battle were thrown. After this scene, I just spaced out because I hate people berating people working in the service industry. Normally, I would intervene but they are too far and people are already about to fuse the situation.

When the plane landed which looks like a giant UFO on the outside, we were fetched by a double-decker bus to service us to the main facility. I'm excited as I get to finally experience riding one especially the type where it's roofless on the top-deck. Dreams are trippy of course, I get seated next to a British man. He's very nonchalant for someone who's holding boxes of kicks which probably almost a dozen. He's cramped up on the side of the window, some of them on his lap some of them on the floor. The fellow smiled at me and he looks like Jay from The Inbetweeners.

"Hey, lad do you reckon you'd fancy some trainers? I'm giving them out for free." the British guy asked me cheerfully where I can see gold platings on his teeth.

He then proceeded to show me one by one like he's selling them except he is giving them for free. He demoed everything starting from the first box and all of them were great but I'm not a huge fan of kicks so I really don't care even if they were free, and even if it doesn't really make sense at that time to get free brand new shoes from strangers. Not until the fifth or sixth box that I saw something I really liked. It was a Puma slip-on and it exudes the idea of wearing rubber sneakers like flipflops. I smiled at him and wore it right away and we both did a hysterical laugh.

"These fit so great. Can I have em'?" I cheerfully asked him.

"The question is do you want more?" then tried wagging his brows up and down like a complete Trainers gift-giving Santa Claus. I got really freaked out by him so, with much comfort in my soles and awareness of how good-looking my new shoes feel, I ran like the wind towards the Baggage area. I remember I was checking out my silhouette at the glass walls of the airport and I look really slick with my tuxedo and these slip-on trainers.

Running towards it I thought I'd be the first to be there but to my surprise, I can see the girl from the ballroom. She was trying to fit all her luggage in her pushcart and she's really having a hard time because of her small frame and she really has quite a lot of baggage [pun intended]. I would hate myself if I try to help her, she's really conventionally attractive but I don't want her to think I'd hit on her because of that plus she's somewhat a despicable person from what I heard and saw on the plane's ballroom. Her things started to fall on the floor because no matter how she arranges the bags to make them fit in one go she just couldn't do it. I couldn't take it and didn't even offer to help, I just picked up her things and with some physics and re-arranging did the deed and she thanked me very earnestly,

"Thank you I'm ________ [Either I can't remember or there wasn't a name, but for this story's sake let's call her Shorty]. You're the guy who was staring at me earlier before I had a meltdown" she said smiling at me. And that smile sort of soothed me a little bit. [Just a side note, going back to this part of the dream reminded me of the airport meet-cute scene in That Thing Called Tadhana]

"No problem. I'm JV. I didn't mean to stare, it's just that.. you're really not my type but you're also really pretty. Do you maybe wanna be.. Facebook friends?"

I don't know the thinking process here but I really said that. It's even funnier because I asked her to be a Facebook friend. For some reason, she found it funny too so she laughed really hard and before I get a chance to compose myself she was already spelling her full name so I can add her and it was very, very ridiculously hard to spell like those Greek names!

"Found you.." before I even finish to commend her about her being a lawyer she interrupted me intently.

"Hey can you do me a favor?" she exclaimed and while I had the chance to speak she just went off.

"I really need some help here. Can I maybe spend a night at your house? Where do you live?" she asked.

Normally my usual reactions would be, "Oooh she wants the D". This is weird because I don't think some act of kindness will do that for me unless I'm also really, really hot, but I'm not, at least that's what it feels in the dream. She's really way out of my league. My reaction was, I very blatantly felt my body sweating and so much pressure is eating me up that there's shortness in breathing, and quite frankly, I was really comparably scared as to how a nightmare would feel.

First of all, she didn't even tell me the backstory and outrightly asked that. Second, 'where do you live?' specifically is something you don't hear without pretext and is quite invasive even for someone like me who's very open as a person. Lastly, the whole dream there was a looming feeling of wanting to just be home, as the dream explicitly wants me to feel I'm away from it every second of it. And then there's this person who's quite dangerous and has the capacity to make me not think right because of her looks even though she's not my type. And this person is trying to be at the same place I want to be. I only did not felt scared for my self but for the people who will be in my home which were my housemates and I love them so much especially at these trying times (shout out to you if you read my blog! haha).

I was very evidently dismissive and distant with Shorty right after. I stuttered in answering her question. I can't look at her clearly. And I tried using my phone to feign checking if it's cool with the people I live with. She felt it. And without really getting a concrete answer with a little hint of resentment she said,

"Nevermind. I thought you're better than that JV," as she walked away.

When people appeal to my moral conscience I tend to overthink and self-reflect repeatedly. This triggered a rally of flashbacks with her mentioning the line 'I thought you're better than that JV' repeatedly, the flashbacking to the waiter fiasco, her smile at the conveyor belt. Then it hit me. Her dress is not wet at all. It should be obvious because the one in the ballroom got really soaked. I know that because of the flashback repetitions were really a lot and very Huling El Bimbo outro ish. And the one in the ballroom is wearing a grey dress which is why it's obvious. Shorty's outfit was a very classy black sleeveless pantsuit. And then as things became clearer, the dream led me to a closer view of the confrontation where the waiter who was carefully passing through was bumped by the woman in gray for excessively laughing so hard she leaned back on him. And this person had the audacity to insult the waiter in front of her friends. Then came Shorty who is clearly not sitting well with this. She grabbed her glass and threw it to the woman on top of the wine that was already soaking her up.

"Either way, you're already wet. Did you know that a lot of public court cases in the Philippines are clogged with Unjust Vexation? Mostly it's just a flex of the rich people since they can afford to pay for all the trouble of suing someone because they were bad mouthed. I would happily represent this waiter if you don't stop harassing him. Then you can sue me for telling you that you.. are such a privileged stuck up bitch who only has the guts to act mighty high around people who can't fight back. What about take the fight with me then?" [It's funny because the thought about Unjust Vexation probably occurred to me when I was doing a short research stint with the Department of Justice about the courts in Metro Manila and I really encountered so much Unjust Vexation on the docket]

If I was there I would've slow clapped. But the dream made it seem like she was the bad guy which if I was on her shoes is exactly what I would do, minus the bat shit crazy throwing of another glass of wine.  Don't get me wrong, she looks amazing here, her badass lawyer FlipTop bars were great but I still feel she is bat shit crazy.

I tried looking for her right after and I couldn't find her anywhere. I felt bad for making her feel rejected just because of the things I heard about her, which led me to view the confrontation in a bad light. Her words got through me, and although that doesn't warrant inviting her to my place, that's exactly what I plan to do (haha). To my surprise I found her eating at Angel's burger with a niche Hungarian sausage order which is a hidden gem. I smiled at the thought that she knows about it.

"Uy. Ummm. Hello." I greeted her and she looked at me with a bit of ketchup on her side cheek. I really wanted to rub it away. She frowned after seeing me. And then turned the other way and proceeded to finish her sandwich.

"I'm sorry I turned you away without asking you why you need my help?" I tried to apologize.

"Why didn't you ask?" she responded as she took another bite of the sausage while staring at me looking completely unfazed.

"Why didn't I ask? Because people told me you were sort of a psycho and then moments later exhibited such behavior? Because I'm dumb enough that my views of a person I don't know get influenced by people I also don't know?" I said to myself and even before I even get to form a coherent answer to this she proceeded to speak again,

"Actually, you don't owe me anything at all. We're good. No need to apologize. But why are you here?" she said as she's almost done with her last bite as she crumples the plastic in her hands, licks her fingers, and throw it in the bin.

"I was wondering if you still want to spend a night at our place since you seem to need it?" I embarrassingly asked.

"Tara let's. Saan daan?" she handed me one of her bags and act as if nothing really happened.

I totally forgot a particular scene here that transitioned from Angel's burger to the next scene which was suddenly the country-side. I just remembered it was set in Maginhawa where apparently where Angel's burger was which led us to a passage going somewhere and then we're someplace else.

There's a long stretch of a wide uncemented road. And then stretches of a rice field on both sides but they're not planted at all. The soil looks like the dry cracks of land because of El-Niño. This is ironic because the road in the middle is very wet and muddy. There's even spots where basins of water are concentrated so you have to figure out where to traverse. For some reason, all of her baggage was gone at this point so that makes it easier.

Together we sighed at the sight of what we are about to cross. We stared at each other, see each other's outfits and laugh. It's like the dream reminding me that we were wearing an outfit that is completely inappropriate for this but now it makes sense why I got a new pair of shoes. For some reason again, she's suddenly wearing Hi-cut Chuck Taylor's. We crossed the road. It took us a while in the dream. There were a couple of moments where I had to jump and grab her hand so she can leap on a water basin. I guess the dream wanted me to enjoy these moments. Oh the feeling of holding someone's hand, I really enjoyed it. [haha]

At the end of the country road, I encountered an old friend who's also the biggest bully in elementary school and the guy who I always fist-fight with as a kid. I don't know what's the purpose of this scene as we just said our hi and hellos and perhaps a little sliver of worry on his face. I always lose at all those fights and if this guy is looking scared I guess something dangerous is abound.

The entire mood of the dream changed again from a holding-hands moment with Shorty and now we're in front of a very, very old house which is also apparently a museum. It's scary again but this time I'm more comfortable and perhaps delighted over the girl I'm with so of course, the dream would throw in a very random thing such as,

"Did I ever tell you why I needed to come over your place?" she asked and again without waiting for my answer proceeded to tell the story,

"Allegedly, I killed my ex-boyfriend with a chainsaw and he bled to death. We never broke but I don't think we can continue doing the relationship with him you know.. dead" she laughed at her own joke.

"Allegedly?" I asked in a very nervous tone with a large gulp of worrisome.

"What do you think? I mean I have to keep a low profile after they found his body so I need to hide at your house, right?" she laughed teasingly and we proceeded to enter the old manor and I'm as bothered as ever.

You know the two types of horror films. First, the jumpscare, and this is what I predominantly felt over the first moments that I was scared, the feeling that something would pop and surprise me offhand and make me run for my life. The other one is the eerie kind where there's an obtuse feeling of an oddity, weirdness, and the strange. The kind that creeps in your mind and the longer you ponder on it, the more scared you get. That's what it feels like to be inside this museum in an old mansion.

Mostly the selections were wood-sculptures. And I swear I have never seen such elaborately odd creations in my life before. This is the part where I'm frustrated at not being capable of creating visual art. It pains me that description in writing is also hard for me so I can't put it into words that someone might make them into reality. If only I could make them real. Sigh. I'm not very crafty! The closest I did that wasn't a requirement from art class were scribblings on paper as a kid of whatever odd monster I can create from continuously just making random lines and see what I'd make of it. I'd like to think those scribblings we're the inspiration for these sculptures. The funny thing is I don't have a mental image of what it would look like and what I want it to be until I made enough lines to spark the imagination. They are all humanoids or creature forms in wood, Guillermo Del Torro would be stoked!

To make matters worse, the entire museum has the weirdest ergonomic ever. There is definitely enough space, but the sculptures were placed like a maze from the front door to where it might lead us, and it feels super congested, unpassable at times that you have to pass through crevices of some of the artworks. Even gravity is defied and cartoon physics is at work where sometimes I and Shorty is walking in the ceiling and to the sidewalls which vary heavily. One thing is constant though, remember the muddy road we've just been, my new shoes are coverred there is enough feeling of claustrophobia going on that we are grinding every step of the way. I can sense her fear whenever she squeezes my hand if obstacles get overwhelming but I don't even need to ask her if she's okay because she's aware when she does it and simply just smiles my way.

"Sorry magugulatin talaga ako," think of April Ludgate's character whenever she smiles at people with her resting bitch face, wide genuine smile but her eyes mocks your soul, this is how she told it to me. I feel good being the receiving end of that but also scared as it made me remember about her ex-boyfriend who was murdered. Did she really murder the guy with a chainsaw?

Twenty-Nineteen was the worst year of my life. It started with me in the hospital watching over my Dad. His health was generally worse across. Finances were really tough. I felt lost with how I want to do career-wise. And on top of these, I lost the girl whom I thought was the love of my life and the repercussions of all our plans that won't happen anymore. But you know what's ironic? It is the best year.. for my mental health.

"Interesting,"

My best friend told me in the pool while I was telling this to him. I find it interesting too, even puzzling to be honest. I myself has no answer as to why. It's not even how much I felt depressed or how many times I had breakdowns before 2019, believe me, I had a whole lot of them in 2019 as well. But If I'll try to make sense as to how, I guess this is the year where I've mostly worked on with myself given the constraints that I had.

It is fitting that the me in the picture above is blurred. I guess it eludes how much I wanna figure things within myself. I need so much more but I already started working on it last year. First, I found a job that suits my financial needs. On another vein of first time, I sort of had a clear idea of a path I want to try to take in a semi-long term basis-- even though I as a person, hates the concept of 'paths' with how I hate social boxes. I'm in healthier relations with my family and a far more rigid approach to health as well. I took on more responsibilities from people that depend on me for growth as well. I broadened so much of my social horizons in meeting all sorts of amazing people and of course I practically solidified my existing friendships to death. Passion wise, I've been consuming so much relevant art for my self and for the craft I want to explore and put in some work someday. I'm actively learning a lot of things and also filtering down what I don't want to do anymore. Lastly, I deal and talk about my emotions better and in a more suitable and safer environment.

I guess being pushed at the very edge made me realize how much I want and need to be alive, to be really alive. And it sucks that I really am petrified to do any of that during the time that I wasn't. But with a huge smile, I am just entirely warmed by the fact that the dark days in my head is so far away from what I am having right now, and I wanna work on it even further moving forward. For the longest time, I felt being excited about something again.

I wanna thank everyone who has been with me every step of the way in mending myself this year. And now that I'm back on my feet, I welcome 2020, the start of a new decade, with everything I got in the most positive light I can illuminate.

I don't want to impose some false sense of toxic positivity with my story. In fact, I don't wanna impose anything at all; especially on the subject of mental health. But I know I just wanna share it for anyone out there that I can inspire. The world is a tough place to be for most of us. Some were born with so much privilege, others only has breadcrumbs. I wish in my heart that it is a just place, but since it isn't, I wish we all give ourselves the fighting chance with what we can work on and what ammunitions we have. And you know it always starts with kindness. Kindness really helped me a lot. Even the simplest idea of being kind to ourselves goes a long way.

Ikaw,
Heto na ang huling liham na ibibigay ko sa iyo sa dekadang ito.

Hindi ko ito maipapadala gaya ng mga liham na ipinadala ko noon. Hindi rin kita mapapangalanan parang kung paanong mas madalas natin tawagin ang isa't isa sa hindi natin tunay na ngalan sa buong limang taon nating pagsasama. Ikaw si Regina, ako naman sa aking sagisag-panulat. Ni hindi na rin ito mabibigyan ng sagot mula sa'yo kasi hindi mo na ako kinakausap, kaya hindi na rin ako magtatanong. Marahil liham ko ito sa uniberso. Isang pangako, isang bulong, o di kaya'y isang sigaw. Sigaw na ito na ang huling pagkakataong luluha muli ako dahil sa'yo, sa dekadang ito.

Sinalubong ko ang taong ito sa ospital habang binabantayan si Papa na nagkasakit ilang araw lang matapos ka huling nakayapak dito sa Pilipinas hawak ang aking mga kamay. Masaya tayo. Sigurado ako. Tapos alam natin mas papalapit na nang papalapit na matupad ang mga plano natin. Pero napakaraming pangyayari kahit wala naman talagang nangyari. Napakarami ring bagay na umahon lamang mula sa hukay na tayo lang din naman ang naglibing. Karamihan sa buhay ko ang dalahin. Pasensya ka na, napakarami ko kasing bagahe sa buhay. Kaya naman hindi malayong isipin na pakiramdam ko matagal ka ng wala sa mga plano natin, na matagal ka ng wala kung nasaan man ang kinalalagyan ko, na matagal ka ng hindi papunta kung saan inakala kong papunta tayo. Kasi alam ko nahirapan ka talaga sa atin at hindi mo na kinaya. Alam ko kaya kitang pasayahin hanggang huli pero huwag ka mag-alala naiintindihan ko kahit walang eksplanasyon mula sa iyo kung bakit mo tayo sinukuan.

Dahil kinailangan kong malaman ang talagang nararamdaman mo na hindi agam-agam ko lamang, kahit pa nasanay na akong hindi mo hinaharap ang mga problema natin, at masarap sana sumakay sa pagkapetiks mo hanggang sa mas madali na lang ang lahat dahil magkasama na tayo; Regina, nagawa ko pa ring makipaghiwalay sa'yo kasi yon' ang nararapat. Para pagisipan mo na talaga. Para hindi mo isantabi habang inaantay mong makarating ako diyan. Teka mali. Para hindi mo isantabi habang inaantay kong dalhin mo ako diyan. Para sa katotohanan na magpapalaya sa ating dalawa.

Aminado ako, nagulat talaga ako. Hindi ko naman alam na ang magiging sagot mo ay sa paraang makikita ko na mayroon ka na palang iba. Hindi ko na hihilingin na sana mas naging tapat, agaran at siguro mas maalalahanin ka sa nararamdaman ko nang nilahad mo ang iyong nararamdaman. Alam kong hindi naman mababago ng kahapon ang direksyon ng bukas. At kung tutuusin, iyon rin naman ang sagot. Sagot na kahit kinatatakot ko mang patotohanan mo sa loob ng mahabang-mahabang panahon, ay hinihintay ko rin naman talaga upang umusad. Iisa lang naman ang ibig sabihin ng lahat. Lumipas na ang pag-ibig mo para sa akin, matagal ko nang alam, hindi na rin pala talaga ako nagulat.

Masakit isipin na sa buong dekadang ito na umukit ng kalakhan ng buong pagkatao ko, ang huling salita mo sa akin na kahit isa itong mabuting hiling para sa kapakanan ko, ay isa ring hiling na nag-iwan sa akin ng wala na yatang makapapantay na sakit sa lahat ng mga sakit na naramdaman ko,

"Sana matupad mo ang mga pangarap mo."

Paano ko aabutin ang pangarap ko, kung alam mong ikaw ang pangarap ko?

Gustuhin ko man na hilingin din na maabot mo ang mga iyo, hindi ko na alam kung ano na nga ba. Kasi ang huling pagkakaalam ko sinabi mo rin sa akin na ako ang pangarap mo.

Wala akong intensyon na pagmukhain kang masama. Pare-pareho lang naman tayong may mabibigat na pagkukulang sa pangkalahatan. Pero gusto kong malaman nilang lahat na ang laki ng tulong mo sa buhay ko at lubos akong nagpapasalamat sa'yo. Sa pagkakaibigan. Sa pagtaguyod sa mga panahong nasa ilalim ako. Sa mga ala-ala. Sa inspirasyon. Sa pagpapasaya sa akin. Sa pagmamahal. Sa mga pangarap na natupad. At sa mga pangarap na naudlot, na pawang dagdag pagkatuto lamang ang iiwan sa atin. Naiwan man ako, maraming salamat pa din sa lahat!

Marahil sinulat ko talaga ito upang maharap ko ang bukas, ang sunod na taon, ang sunod na dekada nang may layong mabuhay nang may ngiti at may pagtanaw sa bukas para sa aking mga bagong pangarap. Kaya kailangan ko munang mamaalam sa huling pagkakataon sa babaeng minsa'y naging pangarap ko na makasama hanggang sa dulo.

Paalam sa'yo, mahal ko.















Hanggang sa muli,
Ako

Am I dreaming?
Cause I know I'm crying
but I don't feel the tears
on the familiar part of the cheek.
But I know I'm tearing up hard
because I haven't been noticing
that I needed it
since forever.
And forever is a long, long time
if you lost your way
says Thomas who I see singing
from under the cork tree.
"Your favorite bands are the ones
you overplay through your misery"
A voice came from somewhere
but not inside this old house in front of me.

The house is being hugged
by the same luscious cork tree
which also bears mango fruits--
interracial tree-fucking right there.
The old house feels very familiar though.
It smells like home for years,
but it reeks like teen spirit
of unwelcoming juvenility.
The windows are closed.
And no door to be seen.
The only way is through the chimney
if you climb the fortuitous wood.
"Do you need me to climb the tree?"
The same voice again from earlier.
On top of a branch,
a girl in a ninja outfit showed up.

She seems familiar but she really isn't.
I never got the chance to
with all the concealment jutsus
so I just said "Yes, help me"
She said "No I won't, I'm just asking"
"What an ass! But it's okay.
I shouldn't be needing anyone
to get in anyway" I retorted.
The ninja smiled and for the love
of everything that is random, she sought
"Do you watch Naruto?"
What an awkward weirdo.
I laughed so hard in response.
She protested that no one takes her seriously
and that the world hates her
or she hates the world, but mostly herself.

It took a while to climb and reach the house
and take a peak inside the chimney
Outside, everything was vibrant and vivid
Inside, it's not as happy as it's pretending.
I got so sad so she tried to console me.
This tough act ninja really has a heart,
but her heart is in the wrong place
cause I'm not sad about the house.
I'm sad we have to part ways and,
on the walk that we shared together
I have to say goodbye
without me holding her hand.
I didn't even touch it when I handed her
the 'japanese red string of fate'
But even we go as far as Shire-bound,
it wouldn't really kill me not to hold it.. right?

I woke up and I'm alive and,
this is the first day of my life.


______________________________________________________

Hey you.

Warning: Contains spoilers and also not a review about the film, 'Isa Pa With Feelings'.

I think last night was the first time I uncontrollably cried in public particularly in a space where I am really not supposed to. I thank the pillows that Cinema Centenario include for every seat in their micro cinema experience allowing for some muffled weeping and a very faint shrieking at the end. I remember even shaking so hard I want to be held in a grizzly lock so hard I couldn't move, so thank you again pillows with clean covers for being a bearable substitute.

There's a scene where Carlo Aquino confronted Maine Mendoza why she hangs out with a Deaf dude along the non-verbatim lines of, "Kaya mo ako sinasamahan kasi ako ang andito at malungkot ka lang!". Maine, with every intent and compassion she could muster admitted and rebutted, "Oo ikaw iyong andiyan. At oo malungkot ako. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun' hindi na totoo ang nararamdaman ko sa iyo!" Pretty basic romantic struggle to be honest but since the very start, I was framing someone I used to be with in Maine because of the same molded from the gods lips and those damn non-fake eyelashes that my ex was always so proud about. There's even a part in the movie where Maine was flexing its non-fakeness too! This is the part where the film became personal to me. I did not stop suspending my disbelief, my disbelief and immersion transcended to my reality.

That confrontation scene really hit me so hard because for the longest time I've always felt what Carlo felt with both of us coming from a position of insecurity with him being a Deaf person and me for being a fat-ass loser. And what Maine said about the sadness and need doesn't invalidate the love, I've heard those too. I've heard it more than enough and it kept me afloat over half a decade and built life plans using those words as foundation. Except of course the scene resonated to me not as a reminder of her words. The film was more of a longingness for not having what came after. Maine was true to her words and she fought for Carlo with conviction. And I guess.. it wasn't like that with her or she wasn't there anymore. And sometimes I think if she was ever. Because the moment she wasn't sad and alone after having new circles and a lover, I'm left with all the words unanswered and the feeling of being deleted like nothing really happened between us now that I have no role to fulfill in her life, not even that bestfriend she called for five years.

It didn't help that metaphorically, the relationship problems between a Deaf and a Hearing was like our long distance setup. Like when I needed to shout, I couldn't. When I needed to be heard I was only seen. And yes, I'm talking literally about the word bubbles that are perpetually floating until they get burried by thousand different other bubbles into oblivion.

For what it's worth, I've made peace with her decision and genuinely wishing her the best. I never wanted to be the answer to her sadness. I am not the answer. Just like she isn't for my issues and problems. But I wanted to be chosen for who I am or at least.. just be chosen. Not because I'm some filler to a void because there's no one else. I realized I've moved on from her choice but I haven't really moved on from the pain. And it overflowed out of me through the masterful presentation of 'Isa pa with feelings' because Maine was everything I wanted her to be, fighting for me, for us. I guess that's what I get for wanting an Arci Muñoz when I'm a Carlo Aquino (Char!).


The film ended and since it is a talkback, Director Prime Cruz along with the majority of the main crew went in front to entertain some questions. For a cinema that mainly wanted to shed light to a love between Deaf and Hearing, one of its strength lies in the film scoring. I never really knew what to ask on these events but being a huge consumer of films, I've always wanted to get a glimpse of the works behind, so I was the first to volunteer and ask,

"First of all congratulations po napakaganda po ng pelikula at dahil napaka-personal sa akin ng tema, hindi ko napigilan humagulgol kaya pasensya na sa mga naabala ko," I started and someone from behind just shouted 'Okay lang yan'. I then continued with, "Kung pwede po sana makahingi ng insight sa proseso. Dahil nga sa tema ng pelikulang to' na tungkol sa mga bingi ay napaka-importante ng tunog at film scoring.." I continued to inquire about their creative process, whether or not they have scenes that we're defined by the background sound or all of em' were made first and the sound come after like the usual. Everyone pretty much chipped-in and what I realized is, gone were the days were there is a director who micromanages everything because basically every proponent there had some sort of decision in the film every step of the way—at least in their group's case.

Basically, it became clearer that the process is very dynamic and collaborative. And I really find that reassuring. Why? Because someone said no great work was born from a democratic process of waiting for everyone's mind but only from a singular great mind of a genius. And it sticked on me for such a significant time but I'm only now starting to hate that notion, because of how we glorify great people, how we mystify their skills, and attributing it to some heaven sent where in fact these people put in a lot of effort. And if we talk about hardwork, no hardwork is impossible when people help each other out.

Most movie talkbacks I've been to, people usually ask about the plot. Like they want some dumb-down explanation and I'm not a fan of that and I'm not even trying to gatekeep. My friend Julius who was with me shared that he attended a talkback with 'Respeto' and it basically centered on the plot too and considering how political 'Respeto' is, then it became a political discussion. I would not enjoy that too. But this experience is very different because Centenario is a tight-knit space of 30 something and since I've opened something about technical aspects of the film and the crew's answer has shown a glimpse of their working dynamics considering they already worked in various projects with the very same team, every other question that followed was in that vein.

There was a particular question about character development regarding Maine's which was pointed out as a weakness of the film, which I too agree. But when Prime Cruz shared that they thought about and filmed something for it but decided to omit it, it dawned on me how imperfections in mainstream film is a byproduct of the commercial dogma, and that's okay.

In the same thought above, someone asked about the kind of limtations with a production company such as Black Sheep and ABS-CBN and there is a certain emphasis that on top of everything, you have to know your objective in making a film. Like for instance, 'Isa pa with feelings' is an art film for Black Sheep but Black Sheep obviously produces something that can be shown to public cinema, is profit oriented, and obviously has a wider target audience. It is refreshing to hear that even on small house productions, inevitably, there will be encroachment to your craft as pointed out, and again that's okay. It marked on me what Kookai Labayen one of the screenplay writers said about there is no really any kind of encroachment that has the goal to make your film less so it's up to you, as creators, how you would process it.

My favorite part was when Nestor Abrogena, the production designer, shared so many insights in creating the world of the film. And I'm going to be honest when I say, I have literally zero clue and interest in thinking and knowing about the ropes of it until Nestor shared so many insightful things. There is a certain finesse with how he takes pride on the spaces he creates and how important it is to collaborate with the cinematographer. It's like saying "Okay, you frame the space but I own that space." There's a fruitful back-to-back with Nestor and Tay Clamor, the cinematographer, that for every set design there is a framing idea introduced. I was deeply fascinated with Tay's idea of shapes when she framed the two characters, like Maine is Circle and Carlo is triangle; deeply fascinated that I have no fucking clue what she's talking about. This made me realize about something I will point out next.

To me the defining moment of the night is when I asked the writers questions on their process. I asked them whether the dilemma of 'being chosen by a person from a position in need was something that came from the very start' and it sort-of governed everything else or, did it appear along the way? And it goes back to the main goal when they pitched it in the very first place; they want to make a film about the love between a hearing and a Deaf person when Prime and Jen Chuansu (also one of the screenplay writers) saw Deaf couples in Trinoma. Ultimately it did came along the way but right after the objective was made which defined the romantic dilemma which permeated the script.

This is defining to me because I've been dreaming to be part of anything that has to do with cinema since I fell in love with it. And my ambitious self obviously aspired to be the curator on top, the Director. Usually when I am presented in front of great people in a field I aspire to be part of, I feel so small that I get disheartened horribly because I'll never be as good as these talented people. That I just don't have it in me. But last night, I didn't feel that at all. What I felt was.. I would never be a director ever in this forseeable lifetime. So I'm totally quitting on that goal (HAHAHAHA!). And that is not because I got so crushed last night, in fact I got so inspired and enlightened. At my very core, my entire desire and personna is really in being an instrument of change through stories. I really just wanna share stories until the day I die. And it may be right that film is one avenue to give that, but it became clear to me after this learning experience that I'll never have an eye of a director even if I work my ass off to learn the technicals. But I know, I am a storyteller. And even though my writing sucks, exhibit A: I started this piece about my pain and now I'm fanboying and oversharing some film technicalities that even I has nothing to impart and write about because I don't know shit. But I know, I can feel it, that the best way I can effect change through my stories, is to learn how to write Screenplay.

So even though 'Isa pa with Feelings' attacked my feelings last night. And as someone who has so many interests with very high level of passion in each of them, at least I figured something out. Being Jack-of-all-Trades is not cool if you're not gonna make it in any of them. I know in my heart I still wanna do all of them but for now I really wanna write Screenplay. Here goes nothing and the great beyond of reinventing myself. :)