Let us write our wrongs

Twenty-Nineteen was the worst year of my life. It started with me in the hospital watching over my Dad. His health was generally worse across. Finances were really tough. I felt lost with how I want to do career-wise. And on top of these, I lost the girl whom I thought was the love of my life and the repercussions of all our plans that won't happen anymore. But you know what's ironic? It is the best year.. for my mental health.

"Interesting,"

My best friend told me in the pool while I was telling this to him. I find it interesting too, even puzzling to be honest. I myself has no answer as to why. It's not even how much I felt depressed or how many times I had breakdowns before 2019, believe me, I had a whole lot of them in 2019 as well. But If I'll try to make sense as to how, I guess this is the year where I've mostly worked on with myself given the constraints that I had.

It is fitting that the me in the picture above is blurred. I guess it eludes how much I wanna figure things within myself. I need so much more but I already started working on it last year. First, I found a job that suits my financial needs. On another vein of first time, I sort of had a clear idea of a path I want to try to take in a semi-long term basis-- even though I as a person, hates the concept of 'paths' with how I hate social boxes. I'm in healthier relations with my family and a far more rigid approach to health as well. I took on more responsibilities from people that depend on me for growth as well. I broadened so much of my social horizons in meeting all sorts of amazing people and of course I practically solidified my existing friendships to death. Passion wise, I've been consuming so much relevant art for my self and for the craft I want to explore and put in some work someday. I'm actively learning a lot of things and also filtering down what I don't want to do anymore. Lastly, I deal and talk about my emotions better and in a more suitable and safer environment.

I guess being pushed at the very edge made me realize how much I want and need to be alive, to be really alive. And it sucks that I really am petrified to do any of that during the time that I wasn't. But with a huge smile, I am just entirely warmed by the fact that the dark days in my head is so far away from what I am having right now, and I wanna work on it even further moving forward. For the longest time, I felt being excited about something again.

I wanna thank everyone who has been with me every step of the way in mending myself this year. And now that I'm back on my feet, I welcome 2020, the start of a new decade, with everything I got in the most positive light I can illuminate.

I don't want to impose some false sense of toxic positivity with my story. In fact, I don't wanna impose anything at all; especially on the subject of mental health. But I know I just wanna share it for anyone out there that I can inspire. The world is a tough place to be for most of us. Some were born with so much privilege, others only has breadcrumbs. I wish in my heart that it is a just place, but since it isn't, I wish we all give ourselves the fighting chance with what we can work on and what ammunitions we have. And you know it always starts with kindness. Kindness really helped me a lot. Even the simplest idea of being kind to ourselves goes a long way.