"I don't think we can just unlove each other"
"To be honest I still want us
to end up together" and;
"Sorry, I said I love you,
I felt saying it"
How do you go from that
exactly, a month ago, to
"I loved you."
How?
I'm sorry!
It was a little more than a month ago.
But can we stop blurring timelines?
What difference does it make?
We both know you have been like this
for a very, very long time.
And I am the obsessed guy
for making you admit it.
And now you did.
And I can still feel
the sucker punch
in my stomach right now
since yesterday.
Or how long has it been?
I haven't really slept at all.
Remember those revenge films
where all they ever tell you
is when you achieve it,
it wouldn't make a difference at all?
Well there's a difference.
I had my own timeline.
I was doing really good.
At least I thought I was.
And now I'm in some dark
alternate timeline
trying to look for his way
back to the first timeline
and pick up where I left off.
Oh yeah, there's no difference at all.
Because it is all just one timeline after all.
But honestly I don't blame you.
Ultimately,
your truth will set me free.
I really had to go through this.
Because no matter how much bargaining
moping, and vindictive poetry I make
that won't ever bring the feelings back.
I wish you had told me earlier though,
so I was able to give you a hand.
It is better to have loved and lost
than to have not loved at all. But,
I wish you tried not to lose it all.
I wish you gave us more a fighting chance.
Because we were very near the finish line.
The finish line that we both sold
and committed to for each other.
Speaking of timelines,
I didn't know you were sa far ahead in yours.
I guess I was so far up my ass to notice
that you haven't been feeling it for a long time.
Oh wait! Actually I did.
And you told me I was wrong.
Should I give you a medal for sparing my feelings?
For surviving me?
Because it feels like a medal
is stuck up in my ass
whenever I remember
how cowardly you were for not admitting,
and for saying things that aren't true.
Of course it's perfectly understandable
that "your best-friend'
for five years
is suddenly just a "stranger" to you.
The cycle of life continues.
I was right for telling you that the reason you want me
is because you didn't want to be alone.
Now that you feel like you are
a totally different person,
You're just gonna give me the coldest shoulder?
Did our friendship amount to anything at all?
Such best-friends huh.
I have never been wrong in my life
when I said you fucking miss me.
Because you made it perfectly clear
that yeah, you think about me
out of curiosity, but you don't
feel an ounce of missing me
in your skin, in your lips, in your back
none at all.
Just a quick detour (not that it's important)
I'm also glad to know
someone's making you happy now
how stupid I am to ask
if he's just some guy you pass the sadness with.
Of course he's not just some rebound.
I mean just moments before we talked
you messaged me in a defeatist tone
that you may not experience the same kind of love again
but here you are already
one foot out the door, unapologetically
trying to explore someone else's?
You should've clarified that
you may not experience the kind of love I gave you,
cause it sucks.
And you are perfectly fine now.
Cause you have been running away from me
for a long time
and now you have arrived.
And it is in your birthright
to be with whoever you want.
And no matter how much I hated it,
the truth is
it's not about him at all.
It's about you not wanting me anymore.
I think I heard you enough when you said
a thousand times on that phone call,
that this,
this ebolic
stinking pile of shit
of a person that is me
is too much for you to handle.
I mean look at me writing this
angry, angry, and sad poem.
What am I even trying to achieve here?
It does seem that I'm trying to hurt you
Please believe me though, I don't.
I want you to burn.
Like the bear in Midsommar.
Clean and painless.
I'll be the May Queen writhing in so much hurt
there's actually physical pain.
In the end you will have the last laugh though.
Like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I immortalized your point exactly.
You win.
I'm a piece of shit for writing this!
I'm a piece of shit for doing everything I can
to get us to the point where everything
will be easier but end up
hurting you in the process.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry for my entire existence.
If I could start over again.
I could do so much more.
I can make you so happy.
But hey!
Spare me those
I hope you forget about me
I hope you move on from me
I hope you become stronger
I hope you get the happiness you deserve
Babe, I don't think you actually care.
Because even though
I don't blame you for
chasing your happiness
(For what it's worth
I always wanted you to be happy
even it is burried in all my ugliness)
But if you really cared for me
like if my existence (which you hate)
ever had value in your life
you could've chosen
not to destroy me this way.
