Let us write our wrongs

Before the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and the acceptance, if ever there will be. I just want to drown in this moment. This phase where I really don't know where I am on this pendulum of grief. Maybe I'd conduct a study and patent this feeling. Call it the pre-grieving phase. Make tons of money from it just like Adele's heartbreak into musical sensation, I to the academe (how nerdy and lame).

The wound is still fresh. But they are old wounds re-opened. And the tears are as salty as it gets. And even before this, before the phases, before the drama, before you, there was me. That guy. That guy you have seemingly forgotten, washed away by the waves of the pacific you had to cross to experience again, to remember. But for a Marcos hater, you seem to have forgotten.

I was answering this personality test as I cannot remember the term for when I first figured it out. The website says I am an ENFP. "ENFP's have an irresistible charm when it comes to attracting a partner." Big words 16personalities.com! But maybe you were. Maybe you were genuinely attracted to the callous but malignant so called "life of the party". The guy who would do everything in his power to show his devotion to you, albeit the millions of footsteps he had to take to get to see you. We talked. Then we fell in love. Then we met. We shared unimaginable experiences in unimaginable paradises.  And maybe that's just it. No matter how fucked up everything is, I guess I coercively made you fall in love with me because of the outburst of my passion. My very ENFP soul made you fall in love with me. You got ENFP'd girl!

But now you are telling me you don't see that person anymore. Why? As far as I recall I still answered the same thing on the same set of questions the first time I had this test. Did I suddenly took a magic bean where I morphed into another form, some kind of an apparition waiting to be discovered?  

Let me remind you that you are the person who knows me the most. Who knows what I ache about at night. What fuels me. That self-loathing bastard with a dark past. That guy who is on his way into redeeming himself because of so many selfishness around him and he chose to be generous and in the process forgetting about his self. That guy who is so absorbed into writing what he feels about whenever the kick is there that he seem to have written you a book overnight in one sitting, just like Franz Kafka when he wrote the Metamorphosis.  That guy who is willing to sacrifice every bits and pieces of his passion for this country to go settle with you in the land they always called the greener pasture which I religiously hate but tolerate because I am also the  guy with an ultimate dream of simply having a happy family.

It hurts. It's excruciatingly painful being left behind. It's pathetic too. I never changed. You just looked at me the way you look yourself in a broken mirror, you reflect only on the clear spaces. I never skipped showing you my crevices nor delaying any future possible cracks. I am as transparent as a sheet of plastic. I don't know what is clouding your mind that you fell in love with an idea of me, but not me.

In the end. I respect your decision. But let's just be clear. I never changed. You left because you don't want me anymore. And without any hint of bitterness (that will come later), it is so unfair that you did in a manner where you will forever remember me for my darkness. Not the person you fell in love with.

"You met me at a very strange time of my life" My favorite line, from my favorite movie. I never knew I would be living in it. The only difference is, Marla believes that Jack will move past it and he is still the man she fell in love with. She believes.